


Please don't leave me again

by destiel_canon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dean opens up, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, First Time, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Heaven, Love Confessions, M/M, Supernatural Elements, Supernatural Finale, Supernatural ending, Supernatural s15 e20, True Love, canon destiel, carry on, fixed ending supernatural, hurt!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:48:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27672251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destiel_canon/pseuds/destiel_canon
Summary: Dean admits to himself that he loved Castiel all along after his confession. After defeating Chuck he actually starts dealing with his emotions and lives a happy life. When he dies and realizes that Castiel is also in this heaven, he wastes not one second to search him. But why is Castiel hiding from him? Doesn't he love Dean anymore?OrA fix-it fic how Supernatural should have ended. How Dean and Cas could have talked after the confession.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy & Sam Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 89





	Please don't leave me again

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic since a loooong time and my first one in english. I really hope you like it! If you find spelling mistakes you can point them out and help me improve my work.

Yes, you guessed it, Dean Winchester was dead. He could look back on far too much happening and a surprisingly long life. Considering he was a hunter and all that crap. 5 years had passed, since he, his brother Sam and their son the Nephilim Jack had defeated god. These years were a blast – kind of. After years of not being fully free, they had fucking deserved their break. For a week Dean had only watched TV and stayed in bed. After this, he got out with Sammy and sat on a bench for nearly an hour doing exactly nothing. He visited Jody and Donna and then the girls. He checked on Garth and his family, on Charlie and her lovely girlfriend, and enjoyed live – nearly. It took him 2 months and a lot of alcohol to open up about Cas. It was hard thinking about him and even worse speaking about him. Whenever Sam brought up the issue, he quickly changed it to Jack or even their dog Miracle. He just didn’t know what to say.

_Hey Sammy, sorry to open up now but Cas found true happiness in loving me and I was too shocked to respond and shoved that feeling down for years, even though you always teased me about him, and now I didn’t even say goodbye or let him know that I probably feel the same way about him? So lol._

Yeah no, he wouldn’t say that. Also not now when Sam found Eileen again, he couldn’t bring himself to ruin what they had going on. Or better what they were getting on every night if you understand. Dean knew that Sam didn’t really need a girlfriend to be happy, that he was fine right by his side. But with Eileen Sam had finally found something real. Something pure and beautiful. It was kind of hard to look at this image of life in front of his eyes every day, but he wished for this for his brother for so long. He smiled to himself when he saw them together even if the sting in his heart bore itself into him like an old, rusty nail.

He thought nearly every waking hour and most of the time in his sleep, what could have been if he would just have said something, anything. Or if he took the step, took the risk. You could easily get Dean Winchester wrong and think he was that cool dude who never cared about anything. But he cared so god damn much, that he was afraid of himself. He knew what happened with people with his lifestyle and he had already Sam as his achilles heel, more close people would have been foolish and irresponsible. Well wasn't he the biggest fool of them all?

Of course, he loved Cas. Like a brother, yes. And yes there was more. It was not only his now own vessel Jimmy Novak that was objectively one of the hottest humans alive – no. It was his personality, his kindness, his humanity even that made Dean love him.

Had he flirted with Cas over the years? Hell yes.

Had he hoped that something would happen with Cas romantically? Anything? Yes, so bad that sometimes when Sam thought he drank because of their case, he actually drank because he was lovesick and alone deep on the inside that he couldn't bear it anymore.

He had to go out then and find someone to spend the night with. Most nights he couldn’t get through with it. If he did he only thought of blue eyes, a trenchcoat, dark ruffled hair, and sometimes fluffy angel wings only there for him to touch.

So was he scared? You could bet on it. He wasn’t really scared of Sam's reaction. They were brothers no matter what and Sam also experimented in high school and at that one party at Stanford. So nothing new.

He was more scared of the reaction of his father. Yeah, John was dead, thank Chuck in a way, but he always felt like a disgrace to him no matter what. He was afraid because of the society, he was scared because losing Castiel would be worse if they were together before, and most importantly he was scared of himself.

He wasn’t the Dean _Oh-look-at-me-i-am-so-open-with-my-emotions_ Winchester. Oh hell Nah. He was the Dean _the world is going to end and I really love you but you can never know because if you leave me now or tell me to get lost I’ll actually break down and I am not the type for hand and knees_ Winchester. So you could call this whole thing a shitshow.

Don’t get him wrong with Chuck the biggest and worst of the board and Jack watching over them with little favors here and there, he could breathe without this pain that was there the last 15 years. But everything with Cas still stung deeply and needed to get out. First, he wanted to shove it down like everything else. When this didn’t work he tried to look up ways to free himself from the empty but had to come up with exactly no plan. All the powerful beings were off the board and if Jack could have brought him back, he would have. He just had to. Of course, he had asked, prayed, to Jack more often than he would admit. He just wanted to get Cas back but the answer in his head was defeating _._

 _Cas could never set foot on earth again. He made a trade out of love and the balance was within Cas not in this universe_.

Dean couldn’t remember crying so much like this night in a long time and the hangover after was frat party like. He knew he had to get help, had to open up at some point. So he did. First, he talked with Donna over burgers. Just threw in a little, "To be true with you, no I don't feel so good." Tob e fair he just said that everything that happened wore him down but it was a start.

Then he talked with Claire. After her talking about a new girl she really liked but was hesitant to talk and open up to he quietly said, "I miss Castiel, you know?". Claire only nodded and drank another big gulp from her milkshake. "I really mean it. I would do everything to have him sit beside me right now", he added and stiffened while he cringed over his own words. Claire only stood up in the diner and hugged him tightly and if someone said that Dean lost a tear he would probably shoot them in the legs.

So now after two months, he drank a beer in the park with Sam. They actually went on a picnic at the local park – can you believe it? Mother Sam made sandwiches with plant-based shit on them and Dean would never admit it, but they tasted even better than some of the meat he had in the last few days. One bear turned into two and went more rapidly than he could acknowledge into six bottles. He knew he had a problem he should tackle there but first came his emotions. When they were stable enough he hoped the drinking would grow less and less.

Dean enjoyed the heavy buzz and smiled dopily at Sam who had rosy cheeks and hiccuped every 50 seconds. "Sam", he started, and with a racing heart decided that now was the moment. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"No, Dean", Sam interrupted words slurred together. "I won't let you move out. If Eileen and I are too loud or – well whatever – we'll find a way. I can't stand the thought of not being with you after all." Sam had looked serious and a bit blurry. How could be Sam so open?

"No, it's not that", Dean reassured. "It is – it is about Cas." He could have sworn his brother mumbled something like finally but wasn't going to look further into this. "you know how I said he saved me?"

Sam only nodded and that was all it took to let all the words all the emotion fall from Dean's mouth right there on the ground between them. He told him about Cas deal with the empty, how he said that true happiness isn't in having it but in saying it and how Cas always thought he couldn't have him. He told him how frozen up he was, he told him about the smile on Cas's face as he said goodbye and he told him how he was holding up. That he was better, yes. But that he couldn't stop thinking about Cas.

It was still between them for a long time until Sam opened them both another beer. Their bottles clicked and Sam took Dean in a long-deserved hug. "So do you loved him?", Sam whispered, even though there wasn't a need to.

"I still love him. I love him so much Sam", he whispered back. He hadn't realized he was crying. Now he truly was finally free. In between sobbing and ugly crying he stumbled out phrases like "why couldn't, I say something sooner?" and "He died because loving me made him happy. I should have died Sam, I should have died Sam."

The next day was pure sunshine and a happy day. Dean had a feeling it was Jack being pleased with them and smiling down or he could just have turned into a big old sap.

Dean told one after another. But the judgment never came. Late at night he sometimes cursed at him for not being brave enough earlier. For not being brave enough to believe, that he could be loved. That he was worthy of love, even from Cas.

Later on, he only dreamed about Cas and the pain ebbed away little by little. Sam was adopting a kid with Eileen and he got himself a job as a mechanic. He had his hands full and enjoyed his life as good as he could. After a year he took small hunting jobs again and worked them with Eileen and Sam.

And one day Dean Winchester died. A hunt gone bad, something like this had to happen at some point. He was actually surprised he made it to this day. When he died it was in a bed with Sam and Eileen around him. Their little kid wasn't in the room when Dean took his last shuddering breath.

It wasn't as hurtful as he imagined from the last times. He wasn't frightened anymore. Yes, it could have been another time, another hunt, or just dying in your sleep. But he was destined to die over 15 years ago if it wasn't for Sam. Sam was happy, Dean was happy and more importantly he was happy with himself. And he needed so badly to sleep, that it was kind of welcoming.

Plus if heaven was still the place they had visited from time to time, he kind of hoped – begged – for it that it would be a memory with Cas he would relive and relive again.

On earth tried to start a family of his own, but Castiel never truly left his mind or his heart. The pictures were there, his clothes were there and his image in Dean's mind saying 'i love you' over and over again. He had seen on the world what he had wanted to see and most certainly did everything that he wanted to do.

He knew that Sam and he were destined to meet again, so when Sam finally said he could let go now – he did.

***

When Dean Winchester opened his eyes for the first time in heaven you could say he was surprised. Green hills surrounded him, a sky that was so clear it burned in his eyes and everything felt warm and welcoming. It was like someone designed this place with little golden paint strokes all over the canvas and made it a beautiful and welcoming place. It was breathtaking, even though Dean never needed to breathe again, but also it wasn't a place he ever was before.

This would have frightened him. Shouldn't heaven be your happiest memory over and over again? Or the places you connected with true happiness? He wasn't sure, if he couldn't see Cas again, he would ever be truly happy. But this place didn't let him be frightened. He felt at peace with himself. He felt like every lose threat came to an end and could finally rest.

"Well, at least I made it to Heaven," he said more to himself taking everything in. If Sam would have heard how surprised he sounded he would probably have hugged him like the time when he opened up for the first time. "Yep.", someone answered and Dean twirled around in pure shock.

When his eyes adjusted to the brightness in contrast to his bed in the bunker, a wooden house emerged in front of his eyes. Birds were singing a beautiful melody. The sign read Roadhouse and a smile formed on his lips so bright that it actually pained him. In front of the building – a cabin maybe - sat Bobby smiling welcoming at him and his heart skipped a beat.

His feet couldn't carry him fast enough to the sitting Bobby. He took him in his arms so forcefully that Bobby's eyes widened surprisingly and he was actually speechless for a few seconds. Bobby composed himself and patted Dean's back reassuringly but also with not only a glint of wonder in his eyes. "Hey, son, good to see yah too."

When Dean loosened his grip and took a step back he said, "What memory is this?"

"It ain't, ya idjit."

Even this made Dean smile. Yeah, these last years on earth changed him. " No, it must be. Cause the last I heard, you, you were in Heaven's lockup", he said dreamily, not to be mean, just to state a fact.

" Was. Now I'm not. That kid of yours – Jack I heard-, before he went wherever, made some changes here. Busted my ass out. And then he, well, set some things right. Tore down all the walls. Heaven ain't just reliving your golden oldies anymore. It's what it always should have been. Everyone is happy, everyone together. Rufus lives about five miles that way. With Aretha. Thought she'd have better taste. And your mom is somewhere here as well, she's got a place over yonder. It ain't just Heaven, Dean. It's the Heaven you deserve. And we have been waiting for you."

There was a prickling at his eyes that Dean could after all this time place this feeling as tears. It was – it was better than he thought. Not only to be rejoined with his blood but also with his family. He felt the need to sit down and take everything in – so he did.

"So Jack was all that?" He looked around with wonder in his eyes and was so fond of hiss on. He wished he could have seen him more.

" Well, Cas helped. It's a big new world out there. You'll see."

Dean stood up so fast he felt a bit dizzy. His heart was pounding and his heart racing. "Cas?", he asked shocked but so, so hopeful. "Is he here?"

"Yeah, he is. The last time I saw him he was drinking inside with Ellen, Jo, and Ash." Dean wasn't even listening anymore. Cas? Here, in heaven? Maybe it was really a heaven for Dean. He had the weird thought of checking his appearance, then he rolled his eyes at himself and went through the big wooden door inside the Roundhouse.

When his eyes adjusted to the lights inside, he made out a long bar and several big tables and pool tables. Ellen stood behind the bar and Jo sat there laughing with her. "Dean", they called out full of happiness. But Dean couldn't care at this moment. Cas wasn't inside. "Where is he?", he only pressed out. He didn't want to be rude, but he had waited far too long to see Cas again. He even tried to wrap his head around the idea to never see him again, but he just couldn't bring himself to. And now with the possibility of seeing his angel again, his brother, his best friend and so much more – he clearly had only one wish. Everything else could wait because for once he was sure, he would stay dead and was totally okay with this.

"Ash is –", Jo stopped herself as she saw the look in Dean's eyes. She had seen this look before, and she knew exactly what it meant. "Sorry, Cas just went away a few minutes ago – or years – who knows. Time is strange up here, but he will surely come back."

"I need to see him now!", Dean pressed out.

"He likes to go to the water, maybe look for him there?"

Dean was out of the door as faster as anyone could process in this slowed down version of heaven. He saw Bobby who just nodded in the direction of something in front of him. There stood his Impala, his Baby. Exactly what he wished for now. He sprinted to his car and really wanted to hug it, but decided to just pat it on ist roof and beamed at it.

When he turned the engine on Highway to Hell blasted out oft he stereo and he chuckled to himself. Enough courage he guessed and started the engine. He kind of intuitively knew where he was driving to. The wish in his mind of seeing Cas was so strong, that it kind of directed him through the long roads through the forest where to go. He really wondered if this would be also possible if he searched for a beer or a good burger, but all this could wait.

When he came to a wide, beautiful bridge over a river, he stopped the Impala and felt warm all over. Yes, these were definitely traces of Cas. He got out and walked down the little embankment. Instantly he knew the angel wasn't there but must have left not long before he arrived. His heart sank a little.

Maybe, yeah maybe Cas didn't wanted to see him. Maybe he was afraid, that saying he loved him was his happiness and if Dean now shattered his hopes, maybe he had to go out of heaven? Was that possible? Or maybe Cas had someone new. Or no feelings for him anymore. Even in heaven, he felt a wave of sadness wash over him.

Like the thought of Sammy who didn't want to have to do something with him anymore, Cas would hurt equally strong. He tried to concentrate and closed his eyes. He wished for Cas, kind of prayed for him to be there. When he opened his eyes again, he had an image in mind of Cas running through the woods. Not running, but elegantly stride in a quick manner. His breath caught at the image in front of his mind.

He had imagined Cas over and over in his head, but seeing this new vision, memory, or whatever of him, gave him goosebumps all over. He felt his heart being pulled in a certain direction and knew that Cas was going this way. He kind of knew that Cas must be feeling it too, but hoped so desperately that the angel hadn't noticed or felt it. Because why should he be hiding from him? In heaven.

Here was nothing to run from, absolutely nothing. So why was he? Dean debated in his head if he should just turn around, look for Rufus, his mom, or Charlie. But he couldn't bring himself too, not after all these years.

He started following Cass's path through the woods, always double-checking with his mind and his heart. Everything around him glowed in different shades of greens and the woods weren't scary, more inviting, and full of life. A dark contrast to purgatory all those years ago.

He knew he was getting closer and closer and the image of Cas in his mind seemed to slow down as he was coming nearer. There was a look on Cas's eyes he couldn't quite place, but he saw that he was anxious. Dean was too far gone to turn back now but was nervous as hell.

When he finally reached him, he stood at a beautiful clearing. The light had different shades of gold and it got caught in the thick, dark brown curls of the angel and looked like a little halo. Cas had his back to Dean but stood stiff. Dean was out of breath, but not because oft he running he did. His throat was tied up and he needed to take a few deep breaths to calm himself.

"Hello Cas", he said and was surprised he didn't stutter. Castiel turned around and Dean was positive he could pass out any second. Cas looked – not better, no. But so much better in person than Dean remembered. So much better than on the pictures he had under his pillow in the bunker. The ones that he took out late at night with enough booze in his system and caressed with one finger. He always wished he could have felt how Cas's hair would curl around his fingers. How his stubble would feel on his hands and how soft his lips would meet his. Or how rough.

Cas looked nervous as well as he said, "Hello Dean". They both were staring at each other. Nearly checking each other out you could say but also looking at each other with so much emotion. Dean would just love to take a few steps forward and take Cas in his arms, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to. He was never sure when it came to Castiel.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable", said Cas and Dean widened his eyes in shock. Before he could ask what that meant the angel rambled on. "Jack pulled me out oft he empty to find my peace in heaven, even though I could never touch the earth again. I – I wanted to make heaven a better place, I designed it for you. But I didn't know you would come so soon. I planned on being gone by then. The last thing I wanted is making you uncomfortable."

"You wanted to be gone?", asked Dean cautious. Disbelief and hurt clear in his eyes and tone.

"Yeah", Cas admitted and looked at the ground.

"Why?"

"For you, Dean. All I ever did was for you." He could feel that the angel was also hurt and he wanted so badly to make it go away. He wasn't sure what to say.

"Cas, you know –", started Dean but got interrupted by the angel. "No please, don't say it. I know what you're gonna say and then this wouldn't be the heaven you deserve. And the heaven I deserve." Castiel looked ill as he spoke his next sentence. "Dean, just turn around and I'll be gone. I could even make you forget this happened. You don't have to deal with this ever again."

"No!", Dean cried out. The harsh noise seemed wrong at this place, but if Cas removed himself and let him forget, he would never forgive himself. His heart thundered in his ribcage as he spoke.

"Please don't leave me." Dean sounded like a little boy all over again. "Please don't leave me ever again." A few years before he would have thought he sounded pathetic. Now he knew, he needed to not only always keep fighting and go down swinging – but always keep fighting for everything. Especially for everything that you love.

Cas was also surprised when he looked up from the ground but let Dean speak. He just nodded and only if you looked closely you could see his lips quivering.

" I know-", Dean started and trailed off again. He took a deep breath again and tried to summon the courage he was truly far from possessing. "I know what I am gonna say is probably too late. But I'd hate myself if I never said it out loud – only shoving everything down and never admitting what I truly want."

He took a step forward and he and Cas were now only a few feet away from each other. Cas was solely focused on Dean and Dean wasn't even sure if he blinked or if Cas blinked. They looked at each other right into their soul.

"Well, I want you. I have wanted you for such a long time now. I thought I couldn't have you. I thought a human like me could never have you, an angel oft he lord. I just – I didn't think it was possible. Loving you was – loving you was easy because I could do it on my own and shove it deep down like everything else. You became a family member to Sammy and me. For me, you were so much more, but I'd never admitted it."

Cas took now a step in Dean's direction and the hunter needed to take two deep, shuttering breaths for his next words. "When you – when you saved me by saying that you loved me, I couldn't believe it. I thought that maybe you just said it – I don't actually know. I thought you were messing, I hoped so bad, cause I wished for this but more than everything I couldn't stand to lose you. I saw it in your eyes, your pain, your happiness – you weren't lying. I know that now. I was too shocked. That you out of all, you really wanted me. That you thought you could never have me, even if I was yours all along."

With his next step, Dean's and Castiels heads were only centimeters away and he could feel Castiels breath at his chin. He wished he had something to hold onto, he felt like falling. His stomach was full of butterflies and he felt like throwing up.

"I – I truly, honestly love you with everything I have."

A tear streamed down his face but he didn't bother to wipe it away. "And if you don't feel the same anymore, that's okay kinda. I just needed to let you know that I loved you all along. And I never stopped loving you. If I am honest I will probably never stop. If you don't want this I will live – or not – but please don't leave me again."

Dean Winchester was finished. His heart, an abused little lump, lay bare on the ground of this wonderful clearing. He was so open like never before. It was one of the scariest things he ever did in his life but at the same time, even in death, he never felt so alive.

Cas didn't move at first, but you'll clearly see his shocked expression. His lips were slightly parted and something glinted betraying in his eyes. "How could you ever think I don't feel the same anymore?", he rasped out in his deep voice.

Before Dean had the chance to answer, Castiel took the last step forward, lifted his head to angle his lips just right and reached with his firm hands around Dean's neck, and pulled the hunter in. When their lips touched for the first time it wasn't like both of them had ever imagined or dreamed about. They thought it would be rough, raw, and desperate.

It was desperate, but it was so soft and fragile. As if both of them were afraid to break something between them. Their lips were rough but they moved them so gently with each other. Butterflies exploded in Dean Winchester's stomach and if he weren't already dead he probably would die all over again. It felt like flying and falling at the same time but the only thing anchoring him was his angel's lips.

He put his hands around Cas's soft hips to steady himself and felt hot all over as the angel's hands started playing with the hair at the back of his head. The kiss turned more heated and Dean's body moved on his own. The kisses before in his life were always controlled and precisely planned. He knew how to hit which button. Here he was clueless for the first time and went with what felt good instead of what he knew would make the best impression. He explored what he wanted with his lips, and with his tongue and with his teeth. The end buttons of his synapses were tingling and he had the feeling of pure happiness flowing into his body. It was like a drug and he was definitely addicted.

When they both had to part their lips to catch their breath, they pressed their foreheads together and breathed heavily. "I'm not going anywhere", Cas whispered in the silence and Dean pressed the angel tighter against his body. They were both smiling and now – right at this moment – heaven was the place where Dean Winchester was truly and completely happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo, did you like it? Do you want a more smutty, first time smut part? Anyone?


End file.
